For ladies only

I will be writing about some pumping issues so just be fore-warned.

Sometimes I put on a front and make it seem like everything is chocolate sundeas and cherry pie.  This post is for the sake of complete honesty.  I had a complete and utter emotional break-down the other night.  I am trying to get this pumping thing down and it is not easy.  I have been averaging about 4 hours of sleep per night (that's all I get for the whole day).  I think a lot of people think b/c our baby is in the NICU and we don't have him here with us that we are getting all sorts of sleep, and watching TV and relaxing.  SO NOT THE CASE.  We are trying to be at the hospital as much as possible to be able to as much as the care as we can for Ben.  We try and get there around 9am to be in there when the doctors do their rounds (you get a whole lot of information at once, test results, what has happened over the last 24 hours what it means, what the plan of action is for the next 24 hours and you have the opportunity to ask question - of course we ask the nurses questions all day long).  We don't end up leaving most days until 10pm and we may be there as long as 11:30pm.  During that time we try to be at his isolette for his diaper changes that are every 3 hours (2, 5, 8, and 11 around the clock).  We do what we can (temperature, diaper, clean up) and help the nurses as much as we can with what they have to do (keep him calm while they take BP, blood, weight, measurements, change bedding).  Then I have to pump every 3 hours and we usually grab something to eat, drink, and if we have visitors bring them up and visit in between.  I would imagine when a new Mom comes home with their baby they can nap when the baby naps (which right now Ben sleeps a lot).  They are probably able to get laundry, dishes, meals done, thank you cards written, journaling/blogging/facebook all while being their with the baby.  We haven't been able to do that (however I did just ask if I can work on thank you cards and his NICU journal back there and the nurse said it was ok so that will help with the time issue).  Once we get back to the room that is when I catch up on the blog, thank you cards, e-mails, any FB messages that I haven't gotten a chance to respond to plus we have to find time to get laudry done between 9am-9pm when we are not usually here during those hours.  I have to stay up late enough to pump before I go to sleep and then as soon as I wake up which is usually 4 hours later I have to pump again.  Then shower and get dressed, eat something so I can take my medicine, make the bed/clean up the room, get pump supplies ready to go to the hospital and pump again before we leave.  It is a very tiring day. 

Everything built up to Friday night.  We got back just before midnight and I was so tired!!!  I tried to pump and could not get anything.  Up until that point I was just pumping when I got a chance and if we had company pump after they left etc.  I started at 12:30 am and was attached until 1:30 am and had less that 10ml.  I felt so defeated.  I started bawling and Jamie woke up.  I sat there messing with the settings, switched out the pump, checked all the connections, checked the tubing, changed parts for another hour until 2:30am and then really got upset.  I felt like a loser, like every other mother in the world could get this down except me.  Poor Jamie, it was not pretty, to the point of throwing the shields our of pure frustration.  Eventually he got me calmed down and when I laid down he said I was out in less than 30 seconds.

In the morning once I was more calm I tried again.  I sat there for about 10 minutes (you see, where most Mom's have their baby right there to latch on or cry or do something to help the supply, I can only close my eyes and think about him or look at a picture and it's just not the same-especially since up to that point we had only gotten to hold him for a total of 1 1/2 hrs and that was on the sunday before).  Well, in the morning I tried again, sat there for 15 minutes and had just a little bit and then thought of a few different ways to position the guards and turn it just right and viola!  a stream.  10 minutes later and I was done, still only 30ml but I'll take it, to have in 25 minutes a little more than I usually get in 45 and end up giving up in frustration.  I'll take it.  It's been pretty good since then, still averaging 30ml every 3 hours but I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of this thing.  And it really makes me feel good to be able to supply all the milk for his feedings and now be able to bring it in consistently.

Don't know if this post has made much sense or not.  I'm pretty tired.