Learning to Trust

I have a few thoughts that have been prevalent in my mind the past few days and hopefully I'll be able to convey what I'm thinking/feeling.  I woke up with the hymn "Learning to Lean" going through my head, I think my theme song would more adequately be Learning to Trust.

You would think that throughout the 6 1/2 years of waiting for Ben, and then in God's perfect time we get him, you would think that would be where the trust lesson would end, but oh no!  When you see the post of the birth story you may see the overwhelming lesson of God's perfect timing but here I hope you see a testamony of his perfect provision.

Jamie started working on his GED in 2010.  He passed 4 out of the 5 tests the first time around and the 5th test he passed on the 4th try.  His persistance and determination and things that I could see under the surface since I met him but he never knew he had until Jesus started working it out of him.  I sort of assumed that as soon as he completed it in Janary that bingo bango, the perfect job would open up just in time for Ben to be born.  And as the days passed by in January and turned into weeks of nothing turning up I started to get stressed and insisted that I was trusting the Lord to provide.  Which I think to the best of my ability I was, but that's where it ended, my ability (and let's be honest, I'm human, that's not much).  Maybe that's part of the reason that my blood pressure kept rising, although ultimately I believe it all worked and is working together as part of our Master's plan to bring forth our child at the perfect time for a specific reason and purpose.

Sadly, there are very few times when I can say that God has totally and utterly amazed me, mostly because I rely too much on what I can do and don't often give him the opportunity to show his divine provision.  I can honestly say that I am thankful that Jamie does not have a job, not that he is not willing to work, we have really been beating down doors trying to find something and I hate feeling like I'm "working the system" because I am on Medicaid, even though I have been working since I turned 18 and this is my first real break in employment.  I believe that Medicaid is part of God's provision to us and in the next section I am going to list out some of the blessings that we recieved yesterday and what system God used to provide it.  (and trust me, if you could see the confliction going through my mind when I say that God is using a government funded program to provide for us you would chuckle, I am SO anti-big government!!)

When we got released from the hospital on Monday there were a few things that were top priority, get to DHS to pick up an application for assistance since right now our income is $0; get out the breast pump and make sure it works; pick up laudry detergent.
We got #1 and #3 done and got home after 5pm and got the pump out and thought the attachments weren't going to work.  I messaged the breast feeding advocate at the WIC office and she messaged me right back even though it was after hours and told me to come right down and she would help me.  It was such a simple fix but I wouldn't have thought to do it but she advised me to look into renting a hospital grade pump that would make the process a bit simpler.  I went home and the next day as we were packing up, I was looking for the attachments that she removed that I would need to pump at the NICU and I could only find one.  A dear friend called (who is a fountain of useful information) and suggested that I ask at the desk because they may have spare parts.  So I did and the receptionist said she would check with the lactation specialist.  The lactation specialist found me and we got to talking and to make a long story short, not only did she give me the replacement parts, but she contacted my insurance and arrainged for the rental of a hospital grade pump, free to me (and let me tell you the difference!!!!). 
About 10 minutes later one of the NICU social workers came down to introduce herself to us and we got to talking and I made a comment about how we thankful to be able to be down there so much because Jamie is out of work right now and obviously so am I.  She asked about lodging and meals and we said that we were on the waiting list for the Ronald McDonald house and had packed enough for 5 days just in case but had asked if they have an open room at the end of the day just for 1 night that we would take it, we would hate to see a room go to waste and would be very thankful for even 1 night not to have to commute.  Again, to make a long story short, she came back a little while later and said she had made a call to the RMH and there was one person on the list in front of us and if they had an openning they would call by 4pm.  She had contacted our the insurance and they would pay the suggested contribution price.  Also, the insurance would provide meal reimbursement and she left us 4 vouchers good for up to $5 and said we would be getting a card that we could swipe.  We had left the house with about $50 and had emptied our pantry of anything we could eat on the go.  We figured we would buy 1 meal and eat from the snacks in the car for 1 meal and if we didn't end up with a place to stay then we would eat the 3rd meal at home.

My Aunt and Uncle who live not too far away stopped by to meet Ben and said if we needed to get away for a bit or a home-cooked meal, or a bed for the night to call them so before they left since it was after 4pm and we hadn't heard from RMH we took them up on that offer.  After they left I looked at my phone to check the time and saw that I had missed a call from RMH so called them back and they had a room for us for the night.  We decided that we should take it and felt like a flake for cancelling on my Aunt and Uncle but explained that we would like it as a rain check for another night when we didn't have other accomodations (it is EXTREMELY hard for me to be dependant on others, like one of the hardest things ever, it makes me feel vulnerable and like I owe a debt I can't pay- hard to explain). 

Dad came down because his schedule openned up suddenly and treated us to dinner.  I got a kick out of watching him watch Ben.  Thats the same thing we do, we can just stand there for an hour watching him in amazement and not get the slightest bit bored!  Then of course when he left he gave us money (Thank you Dad) and we were so thankful because we were down to $20 and weren't certain when we would be home again to get more since we are taking in on a day by day basis. 

We ended up leaving for the night when Dad left since we had to check into the RMH by 8:30pm.  There was a lady in front of us to check in and then our turn.  We were filling out the papers and she started going over the procedures and she said something about at the end of the 5 days.  Jamie and I both stopped her and said, what do you mean, we are only here for the night aren't we?  She looked at us kind of weird and said no, we have you here for 5 days.  Our jaws just dropped.  Thank you Jesus, 5 days that we know that from sun-up to sun-down and anytime in between we will be able to be near Ben.  Not only that, as residents of the RMH you have access to laundry facilities (they provide the soap), a community pantry and fridge, utensils and what not, you have a spot in the fridge and pantry for any items you bring, a vending machine with $.25 cans of pop, passes to area attractions to get out and relieve stress (which we won't be utilizing but think is a great thing for families here with kids who are staying long term-30 days), a pool table, treadmill, soap and other H&BA neccessities if you need them, a shuttle service to and from the hospital and so much more.  What a blessing and load off for families who have loved ones who need extended care.  It is so much more than we ever could have expected or ever would have asked for.  All we asked for was a bed and shower taking it one day at a time.

That's not even getting into all the people who have offered and given us clothes, gifts, support, encouragement, prayer, visits and phone calls and so much more over the past few days.  Including my sister who unfortunately due to health problems is unable to pump anymore has offered her brand new breast pump for us to use after Ben's out of the NICU until we are done having children, and anything else baby related that we may need that Garrett is done with.

A few months ago, we took about 1/2 of what we had in our savings account and made an offering to the Lord in faith.  Jamie and I were both in agreement on the amount and what we were believing for.  We both believed or provision, thinking that it would be a good job.  Now we are truely learning how the Lord responds to faith and action in anwer to prayers with provision.

Not So Normal Motherhood

It seems sometimes that nothing in my life ever follows the norm, and that's ok.

I always imagined when I had a baby that there would be a big adjustment and imagined bringing him home from the hospital the same day that I went home, but having Ben 7 weeks early, that's just not how it works.  I never thought leaving without him would be so hard.  I didn't think I'd cry, and I really didn't think I'd wake up in the middle of the night missing him, when I've only gotten to hold him twice.  I am so thankful to have such a healthy baby.  I've met so many parents already at the hospital who have had babys so much earlier and who aren't doing as well as Ben.  I am so thankul that God's timing is perfect.  Ben was born at the perfect time, for a specific reason and purpose and I can't wait to see him grow into it.

Right now we know that he is receiving the best care in the world, and even though we can't be there with him right now, we are doing the best we can while we are not there to give him the best!  We've been trying to learn how to pump but I am going to set up an appointment with a lactation consultant to make sure that I can get a good milk supply established for him.  I am thankful that Spectrum values the benefit of breast milk as much as I do.  Any that I am able to get we can drop off.  I figured that they would be able to mix it with the formula but that's not what they are doing, they mix it with donated breast milk so Ben still gets the full benefit of breast milk even though I can't provide it yet.  That makes me extremely happy!!!  I would have never thought that would be an option!!